Well, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness
preachin' door to door everyday
with my New World Translation
and a bag full of books
hustlin' them Watchto'ers and Awakes.

Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness
from the time when I was just a little kid
My moma taught it to me
and I tried earnestly
to do everything that they said.

I had no friends, I had no lovers
I had my hands underneath the covers
I was waitin' for Armageddon to proceed
Them folks have been waitin' since 1914.

Well, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness
Preachin' door to door everyday
with my hair cut real short
out on your front porch
trying to save you from Babylon the Great.

Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness
the biggest nerd that you ever saw
until the day that I snapped
I came unwrapped
And I burned down the Kingdom Hall

Well I stood there and I watched it burning
And it kinda made me a little bit glad
So I went and I bought myself a birthday present
And on the way home I saluted a flag

Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness
but now I'm just an average man
a little screwed in the head
from the childhood I led
but I'm trying to do the best that I can

So Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday
I pledge allegence, oh say can you see
I know it all sounds a little bit confusin'
But if I'm ever in a car wreck,
I'm gonna get a blood transfusion.

Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness
preachin' door to door everyday
with my New World Translation
and a bag full of books
hustlin' them Watchto'ers and Awake